Martin looked out the monastery window. He wondered how Reginald was doing- he always did. Every night. Every night since he left for the Ardennes.
He tried to convince him to stay. He asked Reginald 'Why? Why are you going?' Martin doesn't remember the answer. He remembers that Reggy said words- what they were he can no longer discern, they hurt too much. The image of his most dearly beloved, that he had secretly married, going to war was like a branding iron in his brain.
He awoke the next morning for matins, his book of chants in hand. He asked Joseph, his friend, and the priest who married them-
'Why? Why did he go?'
'I'm not sure, Martin. I know he loved you- none of us know why he left you. You were both safe here. Did he feel guilty? Maybe. Was he somehow ashamed? Possibly. I can only tell you know that you are safe. We care for you. We will pray for him.'
'Thankyou, but... I will miss him.'
'I know.'
Joseph sang, in a powerful voice, 'Deus in adiutorium meum intende...'
This is a completely made up story. Or is it?
The idea of Christian communities being safe spaces and sanctuaries for queer persons seems an odd one to many people- but it is a fact. Many queer persons in the past have found sanctuary in monasteries with other queer people, who share the same feelings. They sometimes fall in love. In many cases, they marry. Martin, Reginald and Joseph are made up characters, but their story is common.
So why is it that there is homophobic theology?
While this is not something I wish to deal with in this post, it can be traced to St Augustine or St Paul.
I want to deal with the fact that queer Christians like myself have a unique cross to bear. We now live in a world that denies these things happened- that is unaware of Pavel Florensky and Sergei Troitsky's existence, that is seemingly unaware that same sex marriages happened in secret in the church, far from the eyes of secular society.
Now, however, over a century later than the fictional story of Reginald and Martin, secular society has become more accepting of queer persons.
Yet, it seems that the queer Christians are still vilified- in their churches and in the queer community. As a bisexual Christian, I feel too gay for the church- but not gay enough for the queer community because of my precious and dear religion and my love for more than one gender.
Queer atheists don't seem to understand, as most of the queer community don't. 'Just leave...', one of them said. Yeah, because it's that simple.
Queer holy people exist, and they exist in droves. But they have been ostracised. A vicar who had a profound impact on me was a gay man, ostracised by the church.
I now feel ostracised by the queer community, for being 'too religious.'
J
